I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.