I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.