I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.