I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.