I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.