My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.