I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.