My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.