My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.