My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.