My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.