My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.