I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.