I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.