I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.