I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.