My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.