You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.