You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?