Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.