Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.