The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.