The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.