When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it

While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

The things that matter most are not things.