... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it. You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your head.

While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.