... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

The best things in life aren't things.

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

New York was the glamorous town that you only see now in old movies and on Broadway stages. The sky was lit up with dancing neon signs. It was safe to walk out in the streets.

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.