... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this was good because Man could then take his automobile and buy all his food in one place and He could save that which was good to eat in the refrigerator and throw away that which had no further use. And soon the earth was covered with plastic bags and aluminum cans and paper plates and disposable bottles and there was nowhere to sit down or walk, and Man shook his head and cried: "Look at this Godawful mess.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man does not drive, there is something wrong with him.

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.