People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.