People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.

I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.