The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.