The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.

I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.

I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even