I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.

I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.