I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

New York was the glamorous town that you only see now in old movies and on Broadway stages. The sky was lit up with dancing neon signs. It was safe to walk out in the streets.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man does not drive, there is something wrong with him.

As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it. You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your head.

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.