I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.