War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it. You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your head.

Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.