Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.

On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.