Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.

... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.