Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.