As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.