I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?

Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even