This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.

I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies