As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it. You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your head.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

Ascot is so exclusive that it is the only racecourse in the world where the horses own the people.