On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.

I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?