We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.