I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.