I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.