Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.