Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.