The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.

The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.