The things that matter most are not things.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

The best things in life aren't things.

The things that matter most are not things.

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.