I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.

I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

The best things in life aren't things.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?