I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.