One of the principal features of my entertainment is that it contains so many things that don't have anything to do with it.

A writer who can't write in a grammerly manner better shut up shop.

I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.

I prefer temperance hotels - although they sell worse kinds of liquor than any other kind of hotels.

It is true, that all married men have their own way, but the trouble is they don't all have their own way of having it.

The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop Over!.... G. Washington never slopt over.

I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.