I'm an armchair kind of guy, especially when it's raining, which it always is and always will be.

Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.

I abhor nothing more than bumping into someone I know on the Tube.

I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags.

I like doing things I haven't learnt about yet. I've always been interested in art, and I love doing art.

Global warming, the ongoing destruction of the planet, Third World debt, the uselessness of the railways, the takeover by the corporations, the scary George Bush person: all these things are important and should be animating me into outrage. Yet somehow they do not.

I see my large nose, like half an avocado. I broke it falling downstairs when I was six, and it now resembles a large blob of play-dough.