Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?

I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

The four sweetest words in the English language — 'You wore me down.'

Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage.

Maybe that's why I don't like religion because the first introduction to it was, you don't get to do that thing you just discovered that you really enjoy.

I prefer being totally sober myself.