I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.

Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.

I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.

You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.

Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify — I have no interest in non-nude images.

When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.