If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.

I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

If you look up feminist in the dictionary, it just means someone who believes men and women have equal rights.

Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce, but now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.

I prefer being totally sober myself.