I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?

You’re a feminist if you go to a Jay Z and Beyoncé concert, and you’re not like, ‘Mmm, I feel like Beyoncé should get 23 percent less money than Jay Z'.

Really good comedians, you know, when they go on stage, they don't really care what the audience - they're fearless, you know? They're so comfortable that they don't care. They don't have that neediness where they need the laughs.

Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever.

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage.

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.