Come cook food with me and do nothing.

If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people.

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.

My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.

Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.