My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.

For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.

I think absurdist humor is funny.

You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you, no matter how great they are, that's shitty, and you don't want be with someone who treats you shitty.

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

The four sweetest words in the English language — 'You wore me down.'

What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!