I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

You can't say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.

I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.'

If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work.

This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.

Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.