I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with, or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all the time and spend time with them.

My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.

I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.

I'm like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it's like, OK, he's in there.

Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.

Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.