Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.

So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.

Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!

I prefer being totally sober myself.

I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard to be in a relationship.

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice.

I've never done online dating.