For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.

I've never done online dating.

I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc. so I guess that leads to the "nerd" moniker. But I don't get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a "racist" comedian.

Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!

If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work.

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice.

I prefer being totally sober myself.