She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage.

You can't say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.

Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.

Come cook food with me and do nothing.

You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.

If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people.

I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.