Once you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you.

What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!

I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs.

For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage.

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.