Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Liberal, shmiberal. That should be a new word. Shmiberal: one who is assumed liberal, just because he's a professional whiner in the newspaper. If you'll read the subtext for many of those old strips, you'll find the heart of an old-fashioned Libertarian. And I'd be a Libertarian, if they weren't all a bunch of tax-dodging professional whiners.

A mind is a terrible thing. All this evolution nonsense is making me feel like a complete APE!

'Harry Potter' shouldn't be children's first experience with suspense and plot turns.

It's not terribly dignified to have anyone seeing one laugh at one's own material.

My kids hear me behind my door, giggling like an idiot, and they roll their eyes at the blatant indignity of it all.