I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober.

I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat - because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.

I've got cheekier with age. You can get away with murder when you're 71 years old. People just think I'm a silly old fool.

Uncyclopedia isn't funny anymore.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.