We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.

If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober.

You are what you eat.....I've eaten so many fat cunts you wouldn't believe

I've got cheekier with age. You can get away with murder when you're 71 years old. People just think I'm a silly old fool.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat - because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.