I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat - because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.

I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.

Uncyclopedia isn't funny anymore.

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

You are what you eat.....I've eaten so many fat cunts you wouldn't believe

I've got cheekier with age. You can get away with murder when you're 71 years old. People just think I'm a silly old fool.