I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat - because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

You are what you eat.....I've eaten so many fat cunts you wouldn't believe

Uncyclopedia isn't funny anymore.

If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober.

I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.

I've got cheekier with age. You can get away with murder when you're 71 years old. People just think I'm a silly old fool.