You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

I never wanted to spend a month away from my life. One time I was out on the road for three weeks in a row and I when I came back someone had broken into my apartment and the water had evaporated from the toilet.

My dad was a dentist but I wasn't a hygienist. I assisted my dad.

D.C.'s always had a great scene.

[Nazi] copied stuff from us for their "final solution" but we get to walk around like we're the good guys.

I think the fear of humiliating yourself on stage always motivates me to give at least 90 percent. I've definitely been guilty of leaning on the mic stand, but you can only do that so long before you're like, "Jesus, I'm bombing." The fact that people pay to come see me, that's really just out the window.