You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.

I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you.

The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's funny. That's a tough place to be as a comedian.

I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?

Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it's a fun place to live.

I just do my act. If people in England don't get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.

Like I said, you guys in the media will treat the dumbest jack**s in the entire f***ng world like they won a Pulitzer prize for journalism and will put that level of weight on it, like they're an ambassador to some country we're trying to establish trade with.