I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.

I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I'd like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don't have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I'm shooting for the middle.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you.

Some guy workin' at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can't do it, because whores don't care about lumber.

D.C.'s always had a great scene.

I think it's a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show.