I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.

[I'm] more German than Irish.

You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

If you get a chance to go outside of the country, you start examining where you're from and some of the thought processes. Like when I finally got away from the east coast for a while, and I came back there was just this underlying anger that I never noticed before, because I was born there and just dropped right into it.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

So many people there are in politics that they're overly cautious about laughing at stuff. They're so damned concerned about what everyone else is thinking. What are they worried about? Nobody ever walked into a show as a bleeding heart liberal and had a comedian undo 30 years of life experience.