Podcasting is great. Total freedom.

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

If you're away from your house for a month, by the time you come back there's someone else living in it.

Don't be a jerk to other comics and don't let the business beat you down, stay positive and if you work your ass off you're going to get somewhere.

I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you're better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.

I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with 'em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don't even notice that you're filling up their heads with your theories.

People should be happy to see you when you show up to a club because you're a good person. And stop caring about what the industry is "looking for". Just say what you think is funny. .