Intellectuals are people who go to study things other people do naturally.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

These people marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education and now we've got these knuckleheads walking round.

I can't even talk the way these people talk. 'Why you ain't?' 'Where you is?' Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.