The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

I'm not going out and hitting a 95-mph fastball where I can't see the stitches. I'm not on a professional football team looking to tackle a fullback who is built like solid wood. I'm a thinking person, and I've been blessed with the ability to see some things and talk about them in a way that registers in a humorous and funny way.

...it was the arts, those noble expressions of the human spirit that are communicated through literature, dance, song, film, drama, painting and sculpture, among the many other such creative means, that helped articulate the sufferings of [these] people that were heard around the globe.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

You people are not prepared. You are well educated and you look cute, but that's not going to cut it.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.